So I have exactly 420 dollars saved up in tips from the past week. I win, and I take that as a sign from god that I am allowed to use that money to buy drugs.
My body has become completely dependent on Text Twist. I can't poop without it.
i stopped calling them hangovers and started calling mornings a long time ago.
He gave a passionate hug to every tree on the way to my car.
you just kept yelling NO BUENO SENOR at the cashier and throwing coins at him, of course you were going to get kicked out of the grocery store
If it's not soft enough to fuck on, then we're not getting the new rug.
Mystery solved: The table is broken because I had sex on it last night.
He thinks he's a sex addict. Just. My. Type.
I'm wearing a dinosaur hat bikini cone bra over my shirt. So good things are happening
So you're mad that you saw a penis at a swinger's party? That's rational
He kept singing Happy Birthday to himself, yelling at the bouncers for not letting him in, and telling them his "father will hear of this." He was like a drunken Scottish Draco Malfoy.
She doesn't even know his real name...he just keeps calling himself Hans the Third
I just started an apology with "so I'm sorry about throwing the Brita at your head last night..."
Yeah. We had phone sex then cried together, it was beautiful and heartbreaking
I think I fell asleep on my pizza last night. Damn, I am sauccccy.
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