So he thought it would be a nice gesture to show me his list of girls he fucked. There was 70. We then went through and put "V"'s next to all the ones that were virgins...
I just took a shit in a BP station. It seemed appropriate since they are shtting in our ocean.
On your way out, lock the front door. And by lock the front door, I mean find the door handle, reattach it, and then lock it.
Got a thumbs up from a trucker for doing lines on the interstate. God bless america.
Ok now a guy in a winnie the pooh costume is grinding on some chick to the song shots
do you know how ratchet you have to be to get kicked out of a drag club on Halloween weekend??
Dude, why did I wake up with ketchup packets in my bed and the stove in my room??
Which one of you drunk assholes put a parental lock on my cable box last night? More importantly, what's the pin? I'm missing the UK game.
do you think eating a burger while having sex counts as multitasking skills?
Good dick will make you do a lot of things… Great dick will make you consider buying a house.
sometimes you just gotta rip off the nipple tape and get it done.
One day he'll find out I do drugs and stop talking to me.
What will you do then?
Drugs, probably.
Just remembered sticking my head out the window as i drove us to walmart and yelling that i was a golden retriever.
Also, sorry for verbally assaulting you when you asked if you could dump the bowl.
You can make out without kissing
Explanation needed
The awkward moment when you're leaving the most attractive guy you've ever been with and you're trying not to shit on yourself. Fucking welcome to my life
Randomize
