You're boyfriend is farting in his sleep. The last one sounded like a threat.
when I forget a girls name in bed I ask her her middle name then tell her i'm gonna call her that from now on
i got totally wasted at 2pm and cleaned the house bc i was bored. my mom now supports my alcohol problem
there is way too much butter on my body for this to be okay
Pre-crushing the pills for tomorrow morning. This way I can sleep in an extra 10 minutes.
WHERE ARE MY FUCKING EYEBROWS?!
This would be a good time for the don't get drunk and bang a married chick pep talk...
She basically needs a man who will never act up and take all of her shit
I'm even having trouble finding a guy who's taller than me with no unibrow.. someone needs to tell her its time to lower her standards
Well I took a spicy wing shit in a field this morning.
So I'll be starting a scrapbook from all the mugshots of the guys I've slept with
Just had my butthole waxed. If that changes your plans for Saturday..
i stood outside in the bushes for thirty minutes. Do you know how many drunk guys pee in bushes at 2 am?
we are currently pregaming for our walk to the liquor store.
step one: admitting you have a problem. complete.
It's beautiful. It's what jesusxwants. I should send you a pic of my boobs out of friendship
I'm naked, eating straight Nutella, and listening to "Make you feel my love" on repeat. So no. He didn't ask me out.
Randomize
