Me hooking up with her is like rush being president. Bad news.
Do you remember when I jumped into your arms and you farted?
His facebook interests include 'unstrapping velcro'.
I just sat in the Taco Bell drive-thru waiting for a trash can to take my order. Yes, that high.
My drug dealer is spending the weekend in my studio apartment. I feel like I've crossed a line that should never be crossed.
Found your pants in the mailbox
What were my pants doing in the mailbox?
I don't know but there's postage on them
We are taking shots for every green Lon-Capa box we get for the homework.
My right boob is officially about a handful while my left is 1 and 3/4 handfuls. I'm staring at the mirror falling into a deep depression.
I slept in bed with them the night they met. I once peed on the bride. And now I get to give a speech at their wedding. Piece of cake.
I didn't pay for a single drink 'help me I'm poor' was my drink pickup line. it totally worked.
I feel like I'm eight miles away and my brain is just now getting here. You got a lot of fucking catching up to do.
All I've done is masturbate and drink while being home from college.
You're a hot mess, you know that?
At least I'm a FUN hot mess. Like a train crash full of pizza, fireworks and glitter.
Can I come over?
Sorry I gave up dick for lent. Hit me up on Good Friday tho
I cant promise hot guys but i can promise alcohol which is close enough.
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