i just walked into a room at this party and someone yelled "dibs!"...
apparently i traded the tiffany necklace my mom bought me for 2 shots and next in line for beer pong at the frat.
he asked me to hangout with him...and his son
It was at that moment that I realized I was alone. Alone and drunk on an Epcot ride.
She keeps sending, "show me your elephant trunk."
I see your creepy poodle photo and raise you a shirtless elderly gentleman who looks like a yetti in cutoffs who may or may not have an ENORMOUS erection.
.... touche....
He fell asleep on top of me after sex. For 3 hours. Poor guy worked too hard.
I didn't have time to wash my hair yesterday. Ended up spraying some Febreeze on it.
2016 is coming through for me, I'm renaming it the year of great dick
I tried to cut you?! I'm sorry! PS where's my hair?
First post college job and I got fired within a week. Something tells me that adulthood isn't going to be as much fun as sex and the city led me to believe.
Dear sober self, your keys are on the table in front of you the only way your typing this is with autocorrect goodnight love you
Just had a small freak out because I couldn't get my bra unhooked and thought I was gonna be stuck in it forever.
Would an open wound count as good sex or bad sex?
just answer this one ? for me. why is there human shit in my shower right now?
Randomize
