remember that time i ran away from the bar and passed out in a street cot?
neither do i
i just used burnetts to get spraypaint off the floor of my dorm lobby
i'm dressed up like the coppertone baby and being hit on a guy in a monk costume. the irony is not lost on me.
mom asked me why i'm never sober at family events, i told her i learned it from her.
How long can I microwave pasta with a 20 percent alcohol content?
I really have to stop waking up in hot tubs on Friday mornings.
Maybe you should start carrying pepper spray. You are like the Justin Bieber of lesbians.
How could you not respond to a text containing the words "goat man" ?!?
I'm currently being signed up to be painted nude for a college art class. ah yes best high decision ever
We shouldn't eat pizza in the pool
We r drinking tequila out a glass bottle and smoking weed underwater, pizzas the least of our concern
I'm on a treadmill at the gym ordering pizza on my phone so it'll get to my house around the time I get home. I NEED HELP. Or I'm a genius. I haven't decided.
I NEED A MOM FRIEND. NOW.
I woke up to Dragon Ball Z playing in Portuguese and a donut shish-kebab~ed on a dick in my face.
The guy next to me on the bus has one hole in his jeans that has over 20 mini dicks drawn on his leg. Classic.
How did I end up with the cock ring?!
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