I puked while I was brushing my teeth this morning and had to get a new tbrush
Ew, did you brush them again?
Yeah but i puked on the new one and decided to give up...failure
If that ambulance is off to save our dignity, please tell them it's too late...
weed, chlorine, and victory. my bed smells like i had sex with michael phelps.
I just ran into the couch, vagina first.
I hope you got dinner out of it
please remember that your boobs are bigger than your sisters. when you borrow her shirts they stretch and then shes left flapping in the breeze. dont borrow her clothes anymore. love dad.
Stripper fight on main stage. It just happened. And it was glorious.
Because if not I was going to quote Ryan Lochte as punishment
Thank god I got my shit together
Tell me about it I woke up on your couch with only my underwear on and a 26 year old wrapped around me. I thought my thirties would be different.
So I'm dropping a fat deuce at work, and the lock on the stall door slips and the door slides open, when suddenly someone comes in. Now I have two options, I can either get up quickly and try to shut the door quickly (not easy to do with one hand) or I can just sit there and play it off like it's no big deal and I always dump at work with the door open. I chose option two, and it was as awkward as it sounds.
Also we had sex while listening to fleetwood Mac on vinyl. Like the 70s called and told me to fuck off
Sorry I crashed a riding mower into your garage door. No hard feelings??
In other news I was masturbating last night and came really fucking hard to the thought of yelling at a customer....
I cannot believe I am seriously having a conversation about my best friend's sexual prowess as a dream lesbian.
i was ready to conquer the fucking world. i would have fought vin deisel to the death without hesitation
Hot guy next to me on the flight lives near my grandparents. There’s a 100% chance I end up drunk and naked in his hot tub
Happy Thanksgiving to me!!!
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