Sweater Vest, Chin Strap, Beard, sporting a white Beret- Please don't ever let me be THAT guy.
I'm in that stage of denial where I hope our kids have his nose.
You do realize that you broke up with him, right?
Don't judge me. It was less weird than it sounds when we were in the moment and it was his birthday
He made fire alarm noises before throwing up all over the street.
Well, I was going to ask you what happened to all my lipstick. Until I saw the giant red penis on my living room wall.
hey you knew what you were in for when i showed up with 2 fifths of Jim. plus i left money to pay for a new sink
Uh, do you remember who's thong is in my tree?
This is the most scared i've been of my hands since i did shrooms.
Thanksgiving. This year's theme: I am thankful that I still have a liver.
Nothing says "I mean business" like using a cart at the liquor store.
Crap I still need to get you a wedding gift. I'm just gonna give you a bag full of cash, lube, and condoms. And I'll use furry handcuffs instead of ribbon to tie the gift bag handles together.
I feel like you just railed me after that sext
She climbed up the stairs with three brownies in one fist, two in the other, and one in her mouth. Also, she opened the bedroom door with her foot. I may be in love.
she peed her pants, took them off, the put them back on. but she only put her legs in one hole.
At one point did I say I have a doctorate in fuck u?
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