Dude I wish you were here. I'm innthe back seat and it looks like outer space and everything feels like rice. idk. wtf.
Shark Week. Kick off begins Sunday. The drinking game has been upgraded to include jumping/breaching sharks and Jake's not allowed to bring the harpoon. Period.
Just got Netflix. Dexter Marathon. Still in my PJ's. Only eaten cookie dough and drinking a 40. I have never reeked so strongly of lonely .
I woke up to an email from Groupon for 3 laser lipo treatments...on Valentine's Day...way to kick me when I'm down Groupon.
I just can't have sex with a guy who has nicer eyebrows than me
Everyone in the office is in total denial. I asked my boss what he did this weekend and he said "nothing much." But I know we were both thinking about the orgy.
She licked EVERYTHING then yelled at me in Spanish. I just kept saying SI.
The shit I just took was my body's way of telling me bourbon and mixed nuts aren't an appropriate dinner. Well played, colon. WELL. PLAYED.
So yeah never trust sex tips from yahoo answers
So I just bought e from my sophomore home ec teacher. How's your weekend going?
If I had a dick, I'd stick it in some Oreo pancakes
I AM OFFICIALLY LICENSED TO BE A LESBIAN
When we started the night I was in zebra wedges & she was in my black boots... I woke up wearing pink flip flops & the mirror on my rental is fuxked up. Wtf happened last night?
My ex boyfriend literally just asked "who needs porn?". This is EXACTLY why I dumped his ass.
Hi I love you will you be up for a while!
That exclamation point was a drunk decision
Randomize
