Whose surfboard did we steal and why is there a wood carving of a pelican in the fridge where the beer used to be?
Just saw a man being put through a dui test on the side of the road... it was noon and he was on a bicycle. God bless texas.
you kept spraying the cat with water and then telling it to "man up" when it cried
After throwing up in a tequila bottle on my nightstand (still not sure how she did that) she asked if she could slip into something more comfortable.
Important info for allergy season. An orgasm will unblock stuffy sinuses.
she was masturbating to a video of herself masturbaing. She's a keeper
How did you get a free t-shirt at the strip club?
I was attacked by whores
You threw up on yourself again didn't you?
They were strong whores
nope. It turned out i wasnt the drunkest person asleep in tacobell parking lot.
she came back from her house with A paper cut , a 2liter of sprite with Bacardi , and half a mustache . we're inviting her more ofte
For dinner, I'm having saltines, canned whipped cream, and beer. Are we sure I'm responsible enough for home ownership?
Howd it go?
Well we had the "no we're not fucking on the porch" conversation but then we totally fucked on the porch. So I'd say alright.
I just puked on a sprinkler…Motherfucker tried to spray me
They made the paper for stealing gnomes. I fucked a local celebrity.
I’m home. Please don’t call me unless you have an arterial bleed or you’re on fire. Love you 😘
When we were finished she immediately got up, cut a star out of a piece of paper, colored it gold, taped it to my chest and deemed me the Sheriff of Sex.
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