Why is there a case of Coors Light with my address on it?
I'm talking like I woke up and her bra was spinning around caught on my ceiling fan
No. I didn't know. I thought mid afternoon shots meant the day could only get better.
I guess I just laid down next to him with the entire pot of mac n cheese and started giving him a handie with one hand and eating with the other
She left me naked in my bed and without my phone I had her give me her phone number on the calculator on my laptop. It might be fake.
After I finished inserting the catheter he said he thought my name was familiar. Didn't have the nerve to tell him he was my fifth grade teacher.
I had to rip your toilet paper for you...
I'm sorry, you're actually right. Ostrich racing happens, and they're ridden like a horse. Bewildered and distraught.
I woke up in a tow truck cuddling plan b. Can you pick me up?
Is it bad that I coached my cousins 6 year old boy to steal a 30 rack of keystone out of an unattended cooler at our family reunion, or was I just giving him a social head start in high school? I err on the side of awesome.
just sex-dialed 911. that's 34 seconds of dignity i will never get back.
Have you ever got so drunk that you tasted the future?
Just wiped the ashes off my forehead before he came over to have sex. Definitely going to hell.
Bro I needs to be rescued in 30 mins...prfeebly someone died in a car accident needs to be the excuse
Do you think I could use my teacher of month Award to get free drinks?
Randomize
