someone took a shit in my car last night and left $5 on the seat...
So she started giving everyone lap dances, and i was like "i think i like this chick"
you looked like a weeble wobble. everytime we thought you were going to fall you bounced back up...you're an amazing drunk
For those pictures, I will suffer this headache.
You're being dramatic. You can calm down, or you can piss off. Either way, I ate your burrito.
the fire alarm went off. we werent sure whether to leave or turn the music up louder
Worst walk of shame everrr. Hopefully the thought of me walking 20 minutes in the freezing cold with someone else's sweatpants, a bra on & high heels will cheer you up today.
Oh god there are people jogging. Fuck off productive people, you don't know me.
I cooked you Mac and cheese when I was drunk and drugged. That counts for about 4 meals. Try harder
i'm pretty sure i can feel a baby kicking just looking at him. if he didnt impregnate you, you officially have an iron-clad uterus.
When I tried to give you a hickey, you karate chopped me in the neck.
I'm sobbing to NWA
So i came so hard i almost passed out, where has this vibrator been all my life?
Just beer bonged through a snorkel, add that to the list
I don't want to date him...I just want him to cheat on his girlfriend with me.
hotelroom bed is big enough to masturbate in, but small enough to not want to sleep in it after you've masturbated in it
Randomize
