just checked my call log and realized that we talked for 3 mns. what did i say for that long?
pretty standard. you have fun last night?
apparently....what exactly does 'pretty standard' mean?
typical hot then cold, followed by a death threat.
i have a new swear word: supercalifuckaliciousexpialadamnit
You even been so high breaking up weed with your fingers feels like surgery?
Her vagina smelled like bad decisions
He's drinking red wine in a margarita glass. He couldn't be more perfect for me.
You're doing that 'overestimating how much I care' thing again.
uh, 3 redbulls and 400mg of caffeine pills and i still feel like life is in slowmotion..lets not take tranquilizers again.
So is there some kind of punch card you and I get to use every time we fuck a chick with a cast?
So on a scale of 1 to Friendship-Over, how mad would you be if a rando I brought home sharted on the shag carpet in the living room?
You know it's nice having a girlfriend who will lotion your balls for you
Have you ever realized how cool bread is? Like so many things taste good on it. Like its crazy to think that peanut butter and turkey can both taste good on the same thing.
Your anal douche was on bathroom counter. Now it's in dumpster. Not ok. I am mad. Very mad.
I got propositioned to get involved with an engaged couple. I told them I didn't think my married couple would like me to see other couples...
So pro tip. do not order drugs from india and then assume you know your tolerance level.
The last time I was on vacation the pandemic blew up. Can't wait to see how my vacation fucks up the world this time.
Randomize
