Everything went well, until I walked into his bedroom and there was a Ronald Reagan poster watching over his bed - creepy
I may have told her we're dating for a handjob, Fake tits are overrated.
i was sitting in the back seat of her car with her boyfriend while she was driving. it was pretty awkward, but i dont think "so my dick's been in your girl's mouth too" was a good ice breaker
I'm on the bus and the homeless person in the seat to my left is jacking off to a cartoon picture he found. He's now cleaning up with mitten I dropped.
it wasnt like "sexy" or whatever. like...she was smiling just standing there butt ass naked
tasteful.
because whats more american than sleeping with a westpoint cadet on the 4th of july?
Anyways, i'm off to play with a rubber dick and a ouija board with two other girls...
Level of drunkenness: just now when I sat down on the toilet, I had to double check to make sure I wasn't sitting on somebody's lap.
this is you don't wonder off at 3 am with no pants on. Just stay there and pray to god you don't get arrested for being on school property.
The jerky fairy visited my fridge. It's glorious.
he kept opening the car door while we were ON THE HIGHWAY and insisting he could walk. next time i drive my boss home at 3am i'm putting the child lock on
You know how I said I hit my head so hard I saw two of him and tried to make out with both? Well, it turns out he has a twin.
All I want for Christmas is my co-worker's speakerphone to be thrown against a brick wall, and the remains burned in a backyard fire while I roast a hot dog over it. Is that so much to ask?
Do NOT approach him. He has sex with everything. LITERALLY everything, and I DO mean everything. He's so horny we once caught him with his dick in a pumpkin. A legitimate honest to God pumpkin that he bored a hole in
Just a typical Friday. Dinner, drinks, doing lines with a member of Congress
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