You named all of the cocktail shrimps and then tackled a guy for "eating Henry"
her last google searches are 'cheap african safari' and 'what does lion taste like'
Too bad my thesis topic isn't "defining a hot mess: a study in drinking, smoking and other bad life decisions."
Why the fuck is BBQ sauce coming out of my shower head?
Just grabbed my laptop and a beer to take a shit. Mom gave me a look of disgust. I miss college.
I'm so proud of your ability to turn my Charlie horse last night into anal sex.
you were on ground yelling about how close the floor was to your face.
Dude, I went home and roller-bladed into her bedroom so I didn't have a 'walk' or shame in the morning..I wouldn't talk to her unless she refereed to me as Brink
I'm 25 and she is 19. She wants to practice blowjobs on me because of my stamina. Not only does the GI bill pay for me to go to school I am teaching a freshman blowjob course. I love Texas.
She insisted on cleaning her room in the dark. 5 minutes in, she forgot what she was doing and started putting shirts on instead of hanging them up.
I'm like 80% sure we nearly got arrested because we threw fireworks at a car
I left my panties in the microwave for too long and they caught on fire
In honor of the new administration, I'm going to make it my goal this weekend to get some lesbian action. Fuck Donald Trump and fuck Mike Pence. I'm going to be a spiteful gay.
And a hot pocket after we fucked. Heaven.
Why is there a condom in my ukulele?
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