tonights recap: old cokehead freind proposed in the middle of a country bar to his trash girlfriend, saw ex-fuck who now has star shaved into his head and another with his gf, and ex-bfs best friends crackin jokes about who would fuck me first. NEVER COMING HOME AGAIN
hahhahahha. mid doggie-style, i faked an asthma attack. the sex was that bad
ya i looked horrible drunk and pregnant isn't a good combination
he met me at the airport with a welcome home sign with a grilled cheese, PBR and a blow job on it. i missed america.
i offered her breakfast shots. she politely declined.
It's a special occasion. Hence the 151.
the two person party stopped when i realized that he tried to throw a hammer at my head.
he screamed PILLOW FIGHT and hit branden in the head with a pillow that had a fifth of vodka in it. then he asked why he wasnt laughing
This year i'm grateful for nothing other than the discovery that the uncircumcized rumors about him were wrong
The sun is gonna brush it's hairy dick across my forehead in the morning, gently whispering: "you're 4 hours late for work"
Just used the handle end of a spatula to get the baggie of coke wedged between my passenger seat. Innovation points?
Dude is PACKING. And yes I am holding up a cross and holy water and hissing like a pissed off goose.
I just made deviled eggs for everyone not passed out. Im officially becoming a drunk chef.
God gave you your own nipples for a reason.
Every time I look at him 'Relax' by Frankie Goes to Hollywood plays in my head. Is that weird?
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