It took him longer to undo my bra than he lasted..
His was the first dick to ever be in my mouth... Of course I'm going to the wedding.
Just had to explain to the nurse WHERE I have poison ivy. Great Day
the man who designed bathrooms to have toilets within easy puking distance from the shower is my hero
i offered her breakfast shots. she politely declined.
when it says do not use on the face or genital areas, it MEANS do not use on the face or genital areas.
Some rando is vomiting profusely into the garden outside the employee entrance. Where are you when things like this happen to me?
Vomiting outside the employee entrance
It's isn't revenge sex until you've cum on her porcelain doll collection.
I'm drinking coffee out of a pasta sauce jar and eating fruit soaked in Smirnoff. I think I've hit rock bottom.
I seriously doubt this is the first time pumpkin pie has led to a booty call.
What are we just gonna be those girls that get fucked in your parents basement and not get taken to dinner? I don't wanna be those girls.
I did it again.
I drunk texted John McCain.
Sorry, was sleeping. I heard a rumor that I had a hangover, so I just went with it...
If the guys trying to booty call text me could see me right now in some raggedy pajamas with toothpaste down the front of my shirt eating pepperoni out of the package they might change their minds
Cops swarmed my car last night in the walmart parking lot cause of the paper plate
Randomize
