Mission leave-the-puke-on-the-floor-til-the-dog-eats-it completed. I work smarter not harder
I woke up to the bathroom door of steak n shake hitting me in the face at 4 in the morning...
We just passed a billboard that said to join "jerseydoesntstink.com" and literally 15 seconds later, we could smell jersey.
Want to get naked in Baltimore this weekend?
Just found the cutest bag of coke under my bed. I'm going to get fucked up and bleach the cat vomit out of my sheets.
She said " I'm going to get her back one day soon for putting extacy in my pop while I drove her to whislter" just a heads up.
She's currently upstairs fucking her boyfriend while I am downstairs making them a sex playlist watching her boyfriend's Weiner dog and large Boxer try and mount each other. Marvin Gaye is playing. This is the ultimate third wheel fail.
Just did a relay race involving shotgunning beers, cannonballs and riding a blowup whale. Never want to leave vacation.
In my defense, I haven't stolen anyone's clothes yet.
Yeah, that's a plus.
Please call us Steph is okay but missing phone wallet tooth
I think I just did my first walk of shame. He sent me home with a watermelon from his farm. Southern one night stands.
we're like the harlem globetrotters of underage drinking
I just saw a cat, if i ate those mushrooms 15 minutes earlier i wouldn't have made it to the bar
I just had to explain my bite marks to my allergy doctor when she gave me my shots...You're the best <3
Not to make this awkward, but if we ever have sex (perhaps drunkenly), all i'm gonna be able to think about is how sexy our kids would be.
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