I fear hooking up with people who have white pillowcases because my guyliner always smears on it and i either have to A. sneak out in the night or B. wash it and see them again
The cops found weed in michael jacksons house today...it makes up for the child molesting, I like him more now.
My three rules on what I'm wearing tonight. Something short, something see through, and something i had sex in.
So a list of things I should stay away from bringing up at dinner with your fiance tonight?
1) you and I went to a strip club 2) i saw you topless at said strip club 3) i cried when we watched the Real World
Life is too short to have fake orgasms.
We won't have time to talk.. I'll be rolling you a blunt and you'll be getting naked.
Our DD will meet us there. The strippers are sending a limo to pick him up. He promised them New Years Eve massages. Said he would still drive us home.
Not many people can say they've been photo bombed by an antelope. I sure did.
I'm currently on a bowling date with my girlfriend and her boyfriend. It's pretty fun.
Split a bottle of Johnny Walker and then decided to eat a shit ton of peanut butter. That was a rough bed to wake up in
YOLO is a great motto until you end up with Chlamydia
My mom just asked if I wanted a mimosa when I got out of the bath.
I think everything's gonna be okay.
some kid just came up 2 me bleeding yelling "thats how u riot"
I’m going to cut back. New Year, New Me
I would never wish less dick on anyone but do what you gotta do
Let me know if you need some dick this weekend.
Between the BF being in town, partying at the Side Dick’s house tonight and two Tinder dates tomorrow I’ve got dick to spare!!
Randomize
