I have said "that's the wrong hole" for the last time.
We stole some shitttt from king sooper's. fuck yeaaa
what did you steal
frozen pizza, cat litter, and preperation H. not much different than my usual grocery list.
my goal in life is to wake up with my underwear on
We opted you as the sacrificial dick tonight. We need our patron cafe. Go make some moves.
If you value your immune system buddy, walk away from that one.
Apparently drunk me thought it was time for a career change. I woke up with a message from Mcdonalds saying that I was hired as the new cashier.
Well, that now makes it the 4th girlfriend in a row to cheat on me. I don't even care anymore...I'll date a prostitute and not even worry.
God it's like my stomach is full of drunk bees
Concept: I never actually flirt with anyone, I'm just a bitch and some people find it endearing
Would you be so kind as to inform your husband that my truck is forever cursed by mashed potatoes and it's his fault.
the most terrified I've ever been was seeing Danny Devito squirming on the ground in this underwear, covered in hand sanitizer, completely hairless
you ate an entire watermelon by using a CD as a spoon, then proceeded to chuck the leftovers at some dudes car...
He tried to eat me out...through my pants.
Its nights like last night that make me want to high five my liver.
Just bedazzled a flask, while drinking out of it. Hot glue is EVERYWHERE.
Randomize
