an ex called crying about her current BF. convo ended in phone sex. i love emotional wrecks
It was literally the size of a half eaten tic tac.
We were hooking up and you crawled into bed with us, because you had lost your phone and didn't "want to be alone at a time like this."
The bartender gave me a roll of masking tape so I could tape my heels to my feet so I wouldn't lose them when i went drunk running later that night
Sometimes I stop and laugh and think "and these are my actual life choices".
somehow, even strange, drunk, middle-aged men on the RTA can't understand why he'd choose her over me
maybe it's because you talk to strange, drunk, middle-aged men on the RTA
You almost hooked up with 200lb woman in her mid-forties, because you were convinced she was adele. Your drinking problem is officially out of control.
We love you just as you are but we might love you more if we didn't have to post bail so often...
there is no excuse for drinking mascato in your room alone while listening to one-hit wonders from the 90s
I think I am calling out of work due to a hangover. I'm 96% sure there ISN'T tampon stuck inside me.
Happy Birthday. May your liver respect you, fat bitches neglect you, hangovers reject you, and AA accept you.
You are the voice of reason. And I'm bringing wine. Like seriously this is his last chance. Don't touch me once, shame on you.. Don't touch me twice, shame on me
I am naked and annoyed.
I still have to bake cookies and shave my legs so Mike can have MILF & cookies when he gets home.
I'm dying of laughter, but I'm also just dying
Send help
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