Erin Andrews shaves. She also likes to check out her ass in the mirror. Of course if I had an ass like that I'd be checking it out in the mirror too.
Disadvantage of being gay..... my gag reflexes makes trying to make myself throw up extremely difficult.
Well I tried to steal a golf cart. I fought with the Chick-Fil-A cow. And other things.
That's why I don't chug things. Because when I was a freshman in college tequila came out my nose.
I have 4 passes to the spa here, walking around with a robe on and putting cucumber slices on my penis. You guys should come hang out here. It's very relaxing
You will never be paid again to get drunk and tell off cops without being arrested. Once in a lifetime opportunity
You're right. Fuck my job. I'm in.
My night started to turn around the time I started calling her a "raggedy cunt".
Somehow she got that I meant it as a term of endearment.
I need to go back to work. I've had so much sex since the shutdown started. last night we tried and a little flag came out saying "nothing is left in here try a week later"
Momentum is force x velocity. So therefore velocity is 0 - hammered, and force is ur legs locked up and ur face hits the ground.
I felt paralized they just wouldnt move. We need segways when were drunk cuz if we start to fall forward they well take off and save the fall.
The only thing left on my Bucket List is getting fingered at an aquarium.
I vaguely remember losing my underwear to 2 chicks in a bathroom. That drunk.
YOU BETTER TOUCH MY NIPPLES TODAY
You thought you were Snapchating on your tablet, but were really just poking John Stamos' face on my Full House dvd case...
dude, i told you to rally, so you sprinted upstairs, knocked some girl down, and without missing a beat said, "not now bitch, im in the fucking zone" and took off
I woke up to a gigantic ft-long tootsie roll and a note by drunk me with the words "you're welcome"
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