I spilled a beer on myself, so I went back to my place to change. The city marshall was at my door with a warrant. That beer cost me 760 bucks.
Sober January is a disaster.
Drunk roommate walked in on us and asked if we wanted to go eat a sandwich with her in the bathroom.
Dude, this is like the 4th time today I've had to use cruise control for a 25mph zone. This hangover is never fucking gonna end.
Your first words after putting out the flames, "how am I supposed to eat girls out with my top lip burned off??"
Yeah no more flaming everclear shots.
cant tell, his cock is acting like one of those inflatable arm waving things outside the market
We're both great liars, in committed relationships, and horny. Its the perfect storm of cheating
I'd say things got weird when I started doing lines of molly in the box.
The family next to you was not pleased
Caleb has a beard comb now. Also I have a pube comb now too. May or may not be related incidents
I AM CRUING IT IS 93:2 AM AND I AM CYGIN INT BED
Just realized I used a picture of my little sister to holler at a guy, only 3 months old and she's already my wingman.
Like, you've got the smoothest dick in the west. Do you moisturize?
Yes I do
He told me he felt like he was just pistol-whipped by Testicle Man.
And I was like "take off the damn flower crown, we're about to have sex not post an indie picture on tumblr"
why not an indie porn pic then
Remember I am not doing blow tonight. I REPEATE NO COCAINE unless I do it with your mom
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