You can't special order awesome
I woke up naked this morning and I found out that I thought I was Adam last night and Eve was my wife so I ran naked saying I was in the Garden of Eden and I could shit wherever I wanted.....too bad the garden was in my friends apt.......I spent the morning cleaning and have reached a new low
the drag queen on stage looks like shes wearing the EXACT same dress i wore 2 senior prom.
Got 6 blowjobs in one weekend... new personal best.
No now hes going to beat me to our goal of getting someone to have sex in the library. I hate periods.
I don't know what to judge you more for.
Good to know: if a hot girls asks to go back to my place, she probably just needs to vomit all over my bathroom
Guy passed out in the lobby with a keychain sharpie hanging from his belt loop. 1 guest came in and wrote on him, then others saw and got in line. I'm not waking him up.
you're just mad cause i madeout with you while having a mouth full of chewed pretzels
Apparently, we were running around the apartment, singing into pickles, the routinely slapped our passed out friends with them.
...then she kept trying to make balloon animals with my flacid penis. I'm never drinking whisky with you again.
I'm not sure how many more innuendos I can slip into this fucking conversation before I just blatantly say "I want to fuck you."
Sorry, they don't make maternity Power Ranger suits...
After my second liter of German beer, nothing D-cup or larger is safe near me.
I woke up in his closet, with my shirt inside out and backwards, Rolos in my hand, a tortilla with a face carved into it stuck to the fridge with a magnet, a homemade bong next to the bed, and the door off the hinges... I need a chaperone.
Throwing up while listening to NPR because I’m trying to adult through this hangover
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