Being alone has allowed me to flourish into a complete weirdo
I just heard someone say "gosh-darnit" and they didn't have a southern twang. I worry for New York.
Have you been tested recently?
Well I got my shots when I was a baby so I think I'm immune
All I remember is yelling RUN as fireworks started going off in the kitchen. Who said that was a bad idea?
did anyone else see me puking into my coat sleeve?
Drinking with mariachis at jimmy johns.
like a dude with a badge in a golf cart is gunna do shit. Unless he has a tazer. Then it's fair game.
She told me I made the cut, and to write my name and number on the white board by the door. I was the 7th number down.
I'm sitting in my room naked waiting for him. When he gets here im going to make him do 20 pushups and lick my clit for a hour
WHY did you say no to the sex seance?
My landlord showed my apartment to a prospective tenant today and I had my vibrator and gun both chilling on my nightstand
I stopped for beer and woke up to a bird on my shoulder. I really need to stop drinking
dad is drunk and texting us pictures of bread
I just checked and if you bring a picture of your ex they will shred it and give you a free 'hater shot'. Would it be too much to print off one of their wedding pictures and bring it?
I really love that you're not going the 'why am I not married and having a kid yet?' route, but rather 'thank god I dodged that bullet'
her and her boyfriend kept giving me coke ad kissing me talking about my awesome boobs
Randomize
