I cant wait to get the disapproving look from this elderly black lady...
so now that im really awake i see that my underwear are completely ripped down the side, my shorts are on backwards, i have to go get plan b....i call last night an epic fail or success depending on how catholic i am feeling
saw my dad's penis on the x-ray last night. at least his hip wasn't broken
I thought he was joking about bailing you out until I saw the picture of you and the sheep in the morning paper. Were those my boots you had on it
Yeah i wasn't gonna go out but then i was like im not gonna get my dick wet stayin at home studying
i just found my sim card.....i hid it in my tylenol bottle....i guess to ensure i would find it mid-hangover
He spanked me with a plate. I'm not sure where this is going...
Apparently I used ziplock bags to smuggle my drink out with. By pouring it in one, then cut the corner like it was an icing bag later that night. What is wrong with me?
My lower body still feels like its been through a garbage disposal and a trash compactor. In that order.
In his defense he just bought a bong like a week ago so he's still in that honeymoon phase.
I'm not trying to be dramatic but if someone makes you choose between getting a Brazilian or dying. For the sake of your sanity just fucking die
Ah that wonderful moment when you realise the bookmark you were using in a book you lent your mum is actually a receipt from a strip club
So I just sneezed blood everywhere. On the upside. After yesterday I feel way more confident AND I give even less of a fuck.
you are the root of all my greats nights and my worsts decisions
I did not marry a roomba.
Randomize
