i wonder how he feels talking to my mother about jesus with a condom on his dick
don't bother texting me at 10. my pants WILL be off and I'm not putting them back on to come see you.
people from other dorms came to marvel at the dump i took. i had a bio major take a picture.
Prostitute standing on the corner thrusting at cars as they drive by. New marketing strategy?
also I just used a straw to drink the juice out of a tomato b/c I forgot how to bite.
Which genius got me a voicemail of myself puking?
All I saw was a purple blob and poking out from under was part of a green shirt. Took me a minute to realize it was him under that beast.Thought I should ask if he was actually breathing and conscience but then I saw him slowly exploring what few brave men have done before.
I can't figure out how to eat twizzlers and I have to be at a wedding reception in an hour.
Please never have kids.
Well, maybe we can talk about it over a drink and some crushed up vicodin.
Shit on my own feet while puking from my hangover. Is this what 33 is supposed to be like?
She doesn't believe I only want to use you for sex. She has a much higher opinion of me than either of us do.
what do you mean i can't make cookies with a blow dryer? challenge accepted.
I don't want my vagina anymore.
Jungle juice breakfast? No? Ok.
The night got way more interesting after Jimmy started doing summersaults in front of the bar.
Randomize
