This cougar at my work just said "big breasts" referring to poultry... Still resulted in a boner.
I walked in on him cutting a hole in the condom.
i need a new camera phone. my pictures from last night are as blurry as my memories. and neither tell me why i woke up in an airplane hangar.
yea, the bartender wouldn't serve you because you kept asking for "a slice of beer"
Well, I'm eating cake, watching wedding videos of people I don't know, and crying. Clearly I'm a vision of mental health today
At this point the smell of shame has become my natural musk
I thought you were single?
I am. But thats cuz no one wants to marry shame and regret doused in tequila. But thanks for reminding me ya dick.
$200 on plane. $110 on train. $5 per drink on plane. $15 per case on train. Plane 1 hour flight. Train 9 hour excursion. Hmmmmm.
Love me.
GO THE FUCK TO BED IT'S 3AM I AM NOT TAKING YOU TO MCDONALDS.
Just for one nugget?
I got kicked out of the men's bathroom at the diner last night because i was straddling the sink attempting to pee with pants on. Beat that.
We had sex last night...... This "Friends" thing is going well.
he's so sweet and its so cute. but I swear to fuck if I let my guard down and this was all a lie I am going to become a serial killer.
another side note: i'm officially selling my underwear on the internet
His junk had piercings everywhere. The dick and balls. It was a fucking pirate penis.
Unfortunately the rum ran out midway through our viewing and we had to suffer in silence for the rest of it.
Randomize
