Pappa wants mamma naked
i've never smoked before...when you said wake and bake i thought you meant like a funeral bbq or something
i was wearing footie pjs. how could there be confusion as to who i hooked up with, thats not something you forget
Woke up laying in the kitchen floor with a cup in one hand and the beer tap in the other. Guess I just needed that one last beer.
when she first told me she hooked up with him my initial response was to shout "WE HAVE SOMETHING IN COMMON!"
I rode on his Vespa around Florence and fucked him in an empty train. It was like a way sluttier version of Lizzy McGuire
HOW DID YOU END UP IN THE BATHROOM WITH A DANCER AFTER 12 MINUTES?
I'm drunk at 3:28
I'm jealous as shit at 3:34
I heard the bride mutter "I should have brought a fucking tranquilizer". I'm not at all surprised that you got banned from the bar afterwards.
Showed up 15 minutes late and curtsied when I entered the door if that puts perspective to how my first day is going
Being single is awesome because I can still drink a bottle of wine and hate myself, but I don't have to shave my legs!
I drank so much that my feet don't feel like my feet
My dog just ran downstairs with my vibrator in her mouth... during my dad's birthday dinner.
I found Erin. She's getting a back massage from the coat check boy and drinking all his whiskey.
Dad is celebrating turning 45 by being drunk in a department store before two o'clock.
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