good call on bringing her. it's always good to invite chicks who mix booze and prescription drugs.
hanging on that rope, lady gaga looks exactly like a used tampon
all i know is that if they can hide that much blood in her outfit, they definitely could have hid a penis
i never told you how having a club foot got me laid
My roommate just called. He's in Miami and has no idea how he got there. He also has a ticket to Buenos Aires that he can't explain. I figured you'd have the explanation.
Thanks for making breakfast. I usually have cereal and coffee...but i think margaritas and turkey sandwiches could catch on.
Well I'm 85-90% sure that he licked syrup off my body, but no guarantees...
There were slices of bread pasted to the wall with peanut butter this morning. I don't want to know
I asked if he wants to help me spring forward at 2am on Sunday. He seems down.
this dude just showed up to the party with a falcon
He told me that if I were a guy he'd go gay for me. Honestly don't know how to take that.
Strip clubs just aren't as fun when a man tries to drunkenly grind on you.
If you got me high enough to laugh at a ceiling fan until I shat my pants you should at least have the decency to buy me another pair
He stopped me mid blowjob and asked me to take off my hat. He said it made him feel like Neil Young was going down on him.
She took me into the bathroom and force fed me a panini, it was pretty good.
My new roommate looks like a troll. Or a serial killer. So if I disappear, show this text to the cops.
Randomize
