yesterday i saw a blind man guiding himself into a NYC tour bus... and i thought i waste money
Babe! I just farted and I swear to jesus lord christ that it sounded like ur name! Ok, more like Meeatt but still... awesome.
Where you at
assisting at a photo shoot in williamsburg till 7ish. wassup?
Doesn't matter. I already jerked off in your bed.
Pretty sure my dad just walked in on me jerking off watching guys on webcam. Remember how I used to say "most awkward day of my life?" I'm retiring that phrase.
Legit I think I might have gotten hepatitis C from licking the window of that last cab.
Woke up chewing my pillow from a dream where I was scarfing Cajun pasta from TGI Friday's. That's a new level of fat, even for us
I left after my shirt got dropped in the toilet thinking that there was absolutely no good that could happen the rest of the evening. I hear I was very wrong.
I could probably be laying here naked and he'd still be more interested in this thunderstorm
Still pimpin that dick in the cornfields. Now it's just transferred to the local bar.
Not many people can say they've been photo bombed by an antelope. I sure did.
I wore sunglasses to take a shower. I might be hungover.
If you ever "miss" working, I'm going to fist you with my hulk hands. BOTH of them.
I jizzed in his mayonnaise and put it back in the fridge. Shouldn't have stolen my weed.
We fucked for 9 months, but he didn't want anything serious. So, I got rid of him and went on a date with a guy last night that looks like Kylo Ren. Who's really winning here?
I just bought sparkling water with plan B. I am the most basic bitch to ever exist.
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