well yea, now i know i won't get hair in my teeth...
All I know is I had a penis in one hand a bottle of wine in the other
i think he just broke into a bike shop his last text said something about hiding in some tree
We should bet how many people are going to get alcohol poisoning next weekend and whoever wins gets a free Starbucks.
I just remembered that he had fake blood all over his face last night. I woke up with it all over my dick. He was 50. Please don't judge me.
I broke up with him in the bar & then asked him if he wanted to have a contest to see who gets the most numbers. I say I took that break up well
I've decided that my night was probably over when I started eating the penne vodka with my hands.
Eating nacho cheese off the carpet. How is your morning?
diet's not working. come over. i need someone to fuck the hungry out of me.
The girls danced. I drank. Then I danced cause I was drunk. Then I ripped tim's shirt off cause I'm awesome.
I just set an alarm for 5 am tomorrow morning titled "Wake and Bake Its Christmas motherfucker"
I'm sorry that running around town like a frenetic wombat trying to find you KY jelly isn't good enough for you.
Don't try to sleep with work colleagues because he won't be able to get it up and you won't be able to look him in the eye ever again
We decided it was a good idea to go streaking through the campus. Everything was fine until the sprinklers turned on and we realized the keys were in his pocket.
The gift for sixth anniversary is steel. He bought me handcuffs. Inee I married the right man!
Randomize
