I woke up this morning in a strange bed with a kid with an accent playing with my feet.
People in love make me want to vomit
Different chick, same blowjob, same parking lot.
I need ur penis! This is not drunk texting, either! This is I need ur penis texting. There IS a difference!
The only thing the cop asked me is..... "how are you still alive"?
Its Friday night, and I'm sitting at home watching are you smarter then a 5th grader, drinking vodka. I got every single question wrong. Clearly you see where I'm headed in life.
He scored a 8.5/10 on that girls powerpoint. Of course I slept with him
Just so we're clear, that's a yes to the honey, but if you get marshmallow fluff anywhere near my body we are never doing this again
Driving by his house every hour is not stalking, it's a reconnaissance mission... How else can I confront him
My mouth tastes like what I imagine a hobo's skin would taste like.
You yelled This cop is arresting me for possession! Possession of MARIJUANA!!", everyone cheered, and you let him handcuff you and take you away.
We smoked with this guy who looked just like Hyde from that 70's show in an alley. It was a divine moment in my life.
I sent him a tit pic on accident and he replied with "nice ass"
Your the only person to come back from spring break with a non std related infection
Hypothetically speaking of course, is it bad if a cat eats lube?
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