I didnt pay $190 for a fake with a new middle name of Vane..
I don't know where your sunglasses are, I was too preoccupied with girls not old enough to drive past midnight.
if you think for one second that i'm not using my mittens as hand puppets at the bar tonight then u dont know me at all!
I just threw up in my hands while sitting on the toilet
She finally woke up and said, "Me- nothing, potato peeler- 1." And rolled back over.
I am too drunk to make real decisions. I had pop rocks all over my ass earlier. This is not a joke.
I just remembered how awesome your handjobs were in 7th grade, you were a true champ, thank you
True that.. I am going to ride a gold plated unicorn across a field of cocaine and coach purses when I graduate.
That was beautiful.
She's comparing the feel of breasts to shredded cabbage. Weirdest. Grandmother. Ever.
Handcuffs are allowed in carry on luggage :) just checked
I told her shower beers are even better when you have someone in there with you and she said she's been looking for a new drinking buddy. It's a goooooo
I wouldn't call that a crush. It was more of a minor brain aneurism.
This lady gave me four cups to go along with my gallon of daiquiri. Silly girl, all I need is a straw.
How's Vegas?
Woke up with a sculpture of my own head. Been trying to find Ashley for two days. so pretty not too bad.
Sorry dude, one minute I was flirting with a bachelorette party from Dallas and the next I’m being tied to the bed by the bride
Trying to wrangle us an invite to the wedding
Randomize
