I woke up this morning with my shirt on upside down.
You mean inside out.
No, upside down. I ripped the neck hole in the process of getting it around my waist.
I knew the sex would be bad when he slipped the rubber on and said "safe sex activated"
I want an alcoholic time machine so we could skip to new years eve
Things are burning & the world smells of peanut butter. It's beautiful.
We are magical, pot smoking, smart as hell, single as fuck, woodland dolphins.
just imagine me sitting naked on a toilet with a fully-clothed dude i havent seen in 2 years, trying to make normal conversation except that im covered in blood and he's helping wipe me down while i try not to pass out because blood makes me NERVOUS. And he's apologizing and i'm apologizing.
Instead of asking him how many women he's slept with I just got straight to the point and asked how many Plan B pills he's purchased
Well statistically J has a 1 in 3 chance of hospitalization when downtown
And a 3 for 3 for disapeearing
i woke up in a bed of pop tarts
Went up to some dude that hit on Laura and told him he has a voice like a grandma. Apparently didnt have muscles or kindness like grandma so can you pick me up at the ER please?
He says the sweetest things but also that he wants to choke me when we fuck so it's kinda perfect.
He referred to our sex as "an Olympic event." My tits are bruised.
Is it bad when your own grandmother calls you a whore?
Oh? And how would you explain this to your kids?
"Well pumpkin, when mommies and daddies have loved each other so much for a really long time, sometimes they trade off with other mommies and daddies"
We've been taking shots, cranking Marilyn Manson, and eating your bacon. Your kid is probably ruined.
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