i felt like we were having sex on ultimate fighter, and people on the outside kept yelling ELBOW ELBOW! KNEES KNEES!
I think i found my new favorite workout. Go to a party where you dont know anybody and constantly walk around the house so you dont look awkward standing alone. im up to 1.8 miles
Dating my ex's drug dealer.. best. revenge. ever.
He tried to pick up a girl by telling her about his homosexual experience in high school.
Yeah I'm buying him lunch right now because I shot him with the fire extinguisher last night
I need to stop fucking people before I get to know them
im not sure if this headache is from the car accident or cocaine withdrawl
Only way we know if he truly fits in is if we spill straight vodka on the floor and his first instinctnis to lick it up. Otherwise, gameover.
Her mom offered to give me a lap dance. I was a guest, I couldn't say no.
My entire summer has consisted of being too drunk for this shit, too sober for this shit, or too hungover for this shit.
I always "accidentally" drop a condom and make sure she sees it's a magnum. By the time I'm inside her and she realizes how small I am, it's all over in a flash and I'm done. Plus, they never call back so I never have to see the girl ever again. #gratefulforprematuretinypenis
Things I want for my birthday 1. a Chipotle grade tortilla steamer 2. a new liver
Girl... I just woke up with a bloody mary in a to go cup on my nightstand and two hours late for work.. I'm sorry i can't go out on weekdays anymore. Luckily my boss was just happy i was ok
i guess "never drinking again" is not an option when you invent a whole new level of drunk...
so my parents definitely heard me when I was cumming last night...
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