Babe! I just farted and I swear to jesus lord christ that it sounded like ur name! Ok, more like Meeatt but still... awesome.
Should I have kids to fix a relationship??
My birth control alarm just woke me up from my dream where I was pregnant. Thank god.
mike has just informed me of all the things he would put in his pussy if he was a woman. this includes door stops, power drills & g.i. joes.
"and then my dad would be all like 'hey mike, where's the remote?'"
will i regret this in the morrning? probably. but every decision is good during happy hour
I don't even see the point of going over to his place dressed anymore.
I hope you fall on your chin.
Jealousy makes you ugly.
Do you have any pictures of me mounting animals that aren't on Facebook?
It is a sign that I need a fresh start when Kelly Clarksons new album tells the story of my life.
A big toe in my vag is not foreplay.
I just got St Patricks day and the day after St Patricks day off, wich I'm pretty sure is as close to a raise as I'll ever get.
I genuinely attribute some of my blowjob skills to playing saxophone in highschool
We had sex on the bear rug. He said "you, me and the bear. This is bear-idise"
I'm running late...how do you explain period shits to your boss?
She is carving a little coffin out of some wood for her hamster that died. I'm flying home tonight.
I just took like 30 condoms from the doctors office... no one can say I don't try to save my money.
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