just woke up to a 10 min voicemail of you singing "99 red ballons".... you need to work on your german..
He really likes Obama...and Bill Clinton too. He said "I mean, how many presidents can say that they got head in the oval office?"
Soulmates.
positive spin of the day: since my nose is blocked from allergies cleaning the puke this morning was much easier
Im in a bar and I just invented a scrabble drinking game. People are cheering. It's like the universe has aligned itself.
You haven't puked in my sink in over a year.. Youre coming over this weekend
Just got a picture message from my sister of the two of us wearing cowboy hats and pressing our bare asses together. Do you remember enough to explain?
and then you looked me right in the eyes and said "i just really wanna pet some horses right now"
I vaguely remember telling a bum she was worth more than this
Maybe there is a secret pocket full of cocaine in that spiderman wallet.
What's the standard Christmas present for six months of booty calls?
Mobile recharge?
I can't wait til I'm a real grown up and am no longer expected to take 7 shots of raspberry ruby as a pregame to a night of drinking natty lite
She just asked to come over. She's either going to bring one of her dads guns and kill me or we're going to end up having insane lesbian sex.
I actually had to apologize for "being too aggressive about harry potter"
She showed up ready for sex all night.. with waters and a meat and cheese tray
I deserve this hangover.
Randomize
