I think I left something in your back seat.... It was my integrity
dude, mark had the least successful cab ride in history last night. took a cab to the bars, stopped at every atm in the city, none worked, then had to come back to the party to beg for 20 to pay the taxi that officially took him nowhere.
who knew "i drink your milkshake" would work as a pickup line
Just did a line with a monopoly bill. Tell me I'm not fancy.
super high. so of course there was a shoot out at the bank. there are 20 cop cars no lie. if i make it out of this i will never smoke again
It's a line of coke at 10 a.m. kind of Saturday. Don't be a pussy about life.
vodka bottle broke. scooping it out of the plastic tub with a shot glass into a sprite bottle using a ziplock bag as a funnel and straining the glass out with paper towels. good thursday night?
If you listen closely you can hear the sound of inbreeding and shame.
Hey, it was your idea to keep her occupied with the barscanner on your phone.
you didnt need to give her a fucking sharpie. there are handmade barcodes everywhere. including my cock. fucker.
You kept trying to use my cat as a napkin.
I'm drawing the line at your vagina. I will not accompany you to get that pierced and/or tattooed. There's got to be some mystery to our relationship.
I'm asking you this because you're my dad....is coke a drug I should try?
I went to watch porn and there's already 3 Santa videos. Happy November 1st.
I've seen too many naked penises for this to be a normal Monday morning
I'm cuddly bitch. Deal with it.
Randomize
