somehow on my way home with matt, I ended up straddling steve on the sidewalk and polling the people walking by on whether or not we should have sex.
I stuck it in and pulled it out
Did she like it?
She giggled?
She liked it
mornings like this make me wish i was morman.
You finger a girl once and she thinks she loves you. I'm going back to boys. Lesbians are needy.
I've created a drink called, "watching the sound of music with grandma." its straight vodka
I'm really tired of your booty call eating my fruity pebbles.
i can't understand anything he's saying. But he spells alcohol right everytime so i deciphered it.
whiskey
stop
tequila
you're fuckin up my ability to be a agrown up
I'm hoping you were seen by someone holding a frozen turkey at 230 in the morning
This is my college life. Rolling at 4PM on a Wednesday to skrillex in the parking lot of a mexican restaurant.
Apparently my thong was thrown in the cornfield last night. No one will tell me why.
Failing this, see a doctor for elephant tranquillisers, to be taken with whiskey orally, twice at dawn.
I'm still amazed at how you managed to get Doritos in my damn front pocket without me noticing. I got crumbs everywhere.
And despite my lack of successful relationships I'm a fucking guru
That's like claiming you're a good coach but going 2-12 last season
We could have fun in a cardboard box. Think of the damage we could do at an amusement park!
Randomize
