Hey it's Austin.
I am not drunk enough for this conversation.
Just fucked in his moms tanning bed. While it was on. Weirdest. Tan. Ever.
I was trying to make tacos and friends but there was a major language barrier.
I didn't just get this from the chlamydia fairy.. You should probably get tested.
Well my ankle is fucked up, everytime it pops I have a reminder of $200. Jager bomb night and the day we began to rebuild our friendship.
Wake your ass up this is a day of horror where we get horroibly drunk and sleep with tandom dudes who wish they were super heros ps i havr stuffed animals over my privates im a petting zoo this year
Actually, I take that back. You can only have it if I'm allowed to French braid the mullet.
He laid on the ground 100 ft from the car crying about how he just wanted to be home already
I just finished a four mile round trip walk to CVS to buy shaving cream and lube. You're welcome.
I was hoping for a marriage proposal... Or at least an offer to sleep in his bed.
I mean, I already put pants on today. We're already halfway there
The moment I said this burrito on my nuts feels really good is the moment I knew I was drunk
Why do I have "apologize to Dave Coulier" written on my hand?
A girl in McDonalds just asked if I was in here wasted a few nights ago throwing fries at the staff, I said it was my twin
We both know that wasn't me
yeah, but I wanna be the girl that makes him realize he's 100% gay
Randomize
