Not a fireman, but good enough for last night.
I chose taco bell over sex...
good choice.
please dont pick me up from the airport dressed like a terrorist.
Apparently I mistakenly called the hair club for men at 3am... they called me back this morning.
i like to finish this college football season knowing that not once have I had to masturbate to erin andrews
He shoved his balls through an egg carton and showed us a picture. They were surprisingly egg-like.
HEY. That drawer full of booze in my dorm room also has aspirin and Tums in it. So don't tell me I don't care about health.
Who wrote "the chamber of secrets has been open, enemies of the heir beware" across my bathroom wall?
I woke up to my one night stand and he said, "now that's the one to beat"
If there's one thing i learned from edward 40hands is that i couldnt handle life with bottles for hands
You give an incredible blow job. I wanted to make sure you know it was appreciated
FOUND MY PANTIES COMINY JOME
If you wanna fuck the pudding, fuck the pudding. Just not the chocolate, Im gonna eat that.
and then she sorta stared at me like "holy shit" and I looked down and my dog was licking her ass
Ruff night.
I woke up with a pillow, shampoo and a plant in my fridge. Eggs in the toilet, and I was wearing three pairs of girls underwear. What happened last night
Randomize
