just woke up and he was jacking off in the corner.. am i being punked?
i can smell the iron from margo's period blood from across the table.
Three of the best words ever! Cocaine. Research. Study.
Your last words were "i'm gonna motorboat the bartender." then you commenced with an attempted motorboat
I'm not trying to alarm you guys, but I think I just swallowed a ketchup packet.
Sorry I don't make house calls. You wanna get blown you come over here. It's like rock paper scissors but vagina ALWAYS beats penis
Fuck. I have to get my shit together by lunch. Mission impossible.
You went in the back with her.. And honestly I couldn't tell her neck from her tits man..
At a bar across from the city police station. I PROMISE I will do something great.
Wait..I'm drunk and butt naked making a pizza. Happy Wednesday.
I took an uber home at 6am. Went to Santanas, apparently they don't take american express. So the uber driver bought my burrito. Success!
Cocaine bath bombs are a really bad idea
My ass is in a myriad of pain right now
Lesson learned - Taco Bell before a long night of BDSM is a BAD idea
roommate singing save a horse ride a cowboy wearing a cowboy hat a bikini and jeans while humping the couch.
She called me at 2am crying because her late night booty call moved out of state
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