His facebook says he is a fan of "underwater handjobs"
I'll explain later but basically I was feeling dangerous, I'm dressed as Ann Romney and Ann Romney is a bad bitch.
Wrestling for my wallet turned into us almost having sex in the middle of the hallway
Oh my god he's laying on a longboard singing the song from cool runnings.
If if makes you feel any better, you're definitely the hottest guy I've ever friendzoned.
It takes a special friend to go vibrator shopping with
Yes. It does.
First time for everything: started posting a Facebook comment, decided I'm not quite sober enough. Progress.
you ran up to the police and said "fuck the police shit we living in hell ". Then you dropped your Margarita and said "Darby Out" lol
Incase you were wondering. Cooking naked turns into sex. Sex and cooking may lead to house fire....
I couldn't find the oven mitts so I used a thick stack of tortillas
Never let me go online shopping while drunk. I now own 2 baby cribs. I have no children
As we were walking to her place she stole a pizza from the delivery guy's car and when we got home she grabbed a slice, two beers, removed her pants, and said "call of duty?" im going to marry her
So... Sex in my rain boots last night. Trashy or a great show of character?
If it was with a guy, trashy. Sex with a girl is never trashy.
I woke up with eight different shoes in my bed what the hell happened last night
OHMYGOD YOU REALLY THINK I'D BE ON OPRAH?!
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