my mom just threw water on me to get me awake and is screaming "where is my fucking car?!"
you gave me a ride last nite what the hell did you do with it after you left me?
Well i just wrestled a cop... p.s. i won
That's why girls suck all the time. Blah blah nag nag drama drama buy me things but I won't touch your penis
i just licked mashed potatoes off my blackberry. i'm not even ashamed to admit that to you.
I went outside for a smoke at 4 and things seemed normal. It's 6 now and the front lawn is COVERED in tortilla chips. WTF?
Bonus points if the penis has a little hat too
You are the alcoholic guardian angel of raccoons
It's really not cool dreaming about going into labor with your ex boyfriends love child as you're sleeping next to him.
I know of an excellent nanny. A lot like Mary Poppins but way cooler. And likes pot.
Girl, we were harassing people from the top of a building. I don't know how I got down, but I'm eating chocolate cake in my kitchen. Sall good yo.
That is romantic
Well sometimes you just gotta put your dicks and pizzas together to show you care
Holy shit last night was like the irresponsible Olympics for me
I think I just got suckerpunched by a 14-year-old.
My co-worker accidentally texted me regarding the threesome him and other one are planning.
My one night stand from last weekend is now taking me on a date this weekend. How is this my life?
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