I just got invited to go home with a married couple...
just so you know, your brother isn't driving home wasted tonight. he is, instead, in my dorm shower screaming about rubbing his butt with my loofah; thought you would be proud
the last thing i remember was trying to convince him to call over his girlfriend so we could have a threesome
You tipped the bathroom lady $20 and then yelled "IT'S YOUR LUCKY DAAAAAAAY" at her.
i want to find a way to basically assault his face with my vagina.
just letting you know that jen either: wasn't feeling well and ate grass to make herself throw up or threw up because she's stupid and ate grass
Oh, and trying to figure out who wants to do Molly in a frat is like asking damn children if they want puppies and candy. So just bring as much as possible.
I've reached too hung over to move status will you bring me something to drink?
I moved out 2 weeks ago remember?
Can you ship it to me then?
Do you ever wonder what the men who we shamelessly objectify would think if they saw our texts in regard to them?
He told me his cum shot melted the paint on his bedroom wall and asked if I want to see it
If she wants experimental lesbian sex, i call dibs
Right now I'm drinking out of a gallon water jug & eating a baconator. If you're feeling down, just remember you could be me.
He wore the same cologne as my orthodontist so all I could think about was how I hadn't worn my retainer in months
I took a picture of you last night while you were drunk, trying to smoke a bowl through your nose. It's now your contact id.
You have no idea how awkward it is fucking someone with the same name as your dog
Randomize
