Haha, just learned changing others iPhone passcodes is fun while drunk but not fun the next morning.
Whoa, Gary Coleman died
Whatchu talkin bout?!?!
Too soon.
i just missed the spain goal because i was puking in the bathroom. damn you open bar.
If I threw up, how do I still have the same piece of gum in my mouth from the beginning of the night?
I'm pretty sure it all started going downhill last night when they suggested I see how much sambuca I could fit in my mouth
All I remember is running out of the bathroom with one shoe on and the other in my hand. Pretty sure I was yelling as well.
Our sex has gotten so much better since we broke up.
What I'm saying is DOWNGRADE. Like, do you see the caps lock?
Vagic. Defined as a kind of magic one has over a girl's vagina. Used in a sentence... he's an accomplished vagician.
Drunkenly tried to auction off Merik's pancakes at Ihop. Apparently I make a great auctioneer. Also, no one wants 30 cent pancakes.
Well my unnaturally hairy chest finally came in handy. It took at least an hour to shave the american flag into my chest but I definitely went America all over that party
I'm out of milk so I'm dunking my Oreos in Bailey's; this is my life now.
I'm sorry I didn't get you anything for your birthday
It's just you didn't get me the fucking bear suit last year
I mean, he'll either figure it the fuck out or set my apartment on fire. Either way, it will be entertaining.
I should buy myself lingerie for Valentine’s Day instead of a present for you because I am the present
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