today i learned why jack sparrow loved rum so fucking much
do you think the bartender judged us for asking for shots of well vodka and water chasers?
Look, we all have our slutty phases. Mine is just forever.
Dude she only counts as your gf if you're home. We both signed the fair game contract when we became roommate. So are you really going to be mad or come eat a waffle with us?
Euphemism? No, "pantsless vodka yoga" is a legitimate pastime of mine
Sorry if this is weird, but please don't have sex in my truck. I get to be the first...
Will it be a clothes optional week when I get there? I have an amazing outfit of tattoos and toenail polish planned.
Not sure how ur night is going, but unless u also saw a naked drunk chick pissing outside i doubt it can top mine
So scratching an ex marines beard, telling him "nice hairy pussy." then when he opens his mouth to respond, I started fingering his mouth. Needless to say was a horrible idea
You're an independent woman who is defined by her own actions and not by whether or not you have a man. You also have great tits.
You know that you're in a bad spot when the doctor puts you on 500mg of amoxicillin 4 times a day for ten days and puts refills on it...
THIS THING HATES MY LIVER
Jesus fuck. I just hit on him in front of the whole fire department. They hit the sirens and told us to get a room. FML. I can never go back to that fire station again...
I mean metaphorically. Literally zombies have yet to invade. Let's be rational here.
My mother just set me up with the son of the man I fucked last weekend. I could crawl under a rock and die OR I could remember the rules of genetics and hope that JR takes after daddy. Wish me luck...
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