Is it creepy to message a girl and say you had me at stocked liquor cabinet?
She started crying. I don't think she's gotten head from a sax player before.
Just saw a cop give four blondes gas for their car on their way to Vegas. They seriously ran out of gas and called 911 about it. Its like a porno plot.
Maybe shotgunning 4 days after oral surgery wasn't such a good idea after all...
Valuable lesson learned: if you reach the point where you have to talk yourself in to finishing the last half of your beer, you shouldn't try.
I just took two shots of Burnerts out of a ladle. Get here now.
Please tell me you aren't concussed from dancing on the stripper pole
what the hell is that chicken wire thing she's holding?
An artistic expression of her stupidity.
LinkedIn just suggested I might know the guy I caught my wife fucking.
This time tomorrow I'll be fingering you
Oh shit a waiter was leaning over me when i opened that and i felt him pause
Netflix keeps asking me if I'm still watching just because I've been sitting here all afternoon...why do I feel like my tv is judging my life choices?
OMG -- There are strippers in the bathroom crying because their power moves aren't good enough to win the competition
Last year you twerked on my Christmas tree and threw up all over the bathroom...in front of my parents. We should probably keep power hour to ONLY an hour this year
just give up on your dreams and come get shit house drunk with me.
My boss walked into my office and gave me a toothbrush and tips for dealing with sex hair. She knows what’s up
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