just did a line in a complete hula outfit off a chick in a devil costume. do you think hell will be this good?
So I had to explain to her that pussy doesn't mean a cat
You text me last night that you invented a new food. Cheese-less grilled cheese. Congrats, you made toast.
The doctor put me on 3000 mg of amoxicillin a day. Which, for a sinus infection, seems pretty excessive to me.
Maybe he was just trying to knock out any potential ghonorrhea you might be carrying around.
Ah, my reputation precedes me.
So I'm pretty sure I fucked the dept of homeland security guy on my kitchen table. No recollection of it, but there are signs.
This guys mom bought us a 24 pack and drove me and 8 others to a frat house... Hello moms weekend.
It was just like old times except for going to hangover throw up before waking my parents up to open presents. Merry Christmas!
He handcuffed himself to the keg... D is hooking up with him anyway.
THE EAGLE HAS MY PANTIES. I REPEAT. THE FUCKING MASCOT HAS MY PANTIES.
HOLY SHIT. You're my hero.
I've never had sex with me but I assume there are worse ways to be woken up.
Is it bad form to spend company money and place an ad in the paper because I wanna nail the sales girl?
Just met my French neighbor. We watched a crow die together, so we're pretty tight.
When I am this hungover I become increasingly grateful for having my own private office
I swear I get as excited about the sound of a condom wrapper as my cat gets when she's getting a can of food.
"WHAT IS THIS LESBIAN MADNESS"
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