she has a tiny mouth but huuuge vocal chords
if there werent so many compromising pictures of me in the hands of so many liberal friends, id consider going into politics
Im at a strip club, and the dancer just farted into my face. The bad part about that is I could taste the wings I bought her earlier
No, a stripper letting you buy her dinner is not the same as a girlfriend.
Someday soon you'll wake up next to a bottle of jameson and a half eaten lean cuisine and then you'll be just like me.
Jim came in did 3 body shots of her she said "I like your tongue" and they left. I swear to god its deja vu he's done it before
Just got back from fathers day breakfast. So hungover i couldn't eat so i just slipped my food in my pockets and threw it out while i puked in the bathroom.
Just told my mom sparks is a health drink. Officially getting hammered on the way to the beach.
Shrimp lo Mein doused in green apple Smirnoff is a rare delicacy only a few get to experience..guess I should consider myself lucky
Somehow it went from suicide to pierced nipples. I think we're good.
"Grocery shopping" is really just a euphemism for spending $20 on enough frozen food to last 2 weeks and spending the rest of your viable paycheck on alcohol.
I got kicked out of the hotel after wandering into the banquet kitchen at 2am trying to find the shrimp....so we're power napping in the car and then driving to madison.
If our text convos ever saw the light of day lives would be in tatters
Jesus himself couldn't make a better sandwich
i have to pee so bad and he is sleeping and idk where the bathroom or my clothes are!!!
Randomize
