I just got stood up by an 18 yr old. fmylife.
I'm curled up in a ball on the floor of my office with the lights off. I hope no one notices. No more open bar. Woof.
If you're on a tempurpedic mattress do you think you can feel if someone is jacking off right next to you?
It's gotten to the point where NOT peeing in the sink feels strange and uncomfortable.
Slept on the counter again. Mom covered me in an apron.
This is how we made chicken soup last night: Whole chicken in a pot of vodka with a box of crackers and some carrots. We should go pro.
Remember the 3 things that are off limits? They're fair game if you get here in the next 5 minutes
That awkward moment when you can't tell what smells like tacos: you, the cat, or the strange guys blanket your so tenderly swaddled in.
Eating nacho cheese off the carpet. How is your morning?
Just saw a couple chasing each other on lawn mowers. Oh South Knoxville.
Remember that time we turned a can of Axe body spray into a flame thrower?
Thank you for deleting me from Instagram. Also, I'm carrying your child. Happy new year!
I shit you not. Dude complemented me for being meme savvy. You could drown a toddler in my panties right now.
THEY HAVE BEEN GOING AT IT FOR 2 HOURS AND I HEAR THEM BANGING THIS IS BULLSHIT
WTF was I supposed to tell them? "hi mom and dad, this is some rando I met on the internet. please ignore the noises that will be coming from my bedroom for the next 60-90 minutes. kthxbye."
Randomize
